Final Friends 3: The Graduation

The truth was neither black nor white... but a horrible shade of gray.

It was his last chance to find the answer.

The Graduation - Christopher Pike
1989, 238 pages


How about some recap to make up for the loooong posting delay?

Remember The Party? Alice "killed" "herself", but Michael thinks someone else was behind it. Blah, blah, shitloads of other vapid dicks and bitches do stuff that matters not. Small detail I didn't mention that may be important: Alice's sister Polly (you remember, the fat one!) had undergone shock therapy as a kid after their parents died. You know, for her depression.

After that, The Dance. Poor little Hispanic Maria falls to her paralysis. But the float that collapsed under her may have been sabotaged for someone else, because there is no way in hell that anyone predicted that Maria was going to win Homecoming Queen.

Now it's time for The Graduation. Mike is either lazier than me or the worst procrastinator ever because he's done NOTHING in the last seven months to find Alice's killer. Even though he's still obsessed over it. With enough credits to graduate, both Mike and Clair left school after first semester. So Mike's been doing nothing when there's a killer on the loose?? Come on, Mike, avenge your friend. And make it bloody. Cuzzzz that's what I like.

Russ Desmond was sent to juvie after the dance for allegedly cutting down a tree which fell on, and destroyed, the school snack shack. Sara is still school president, and is the only reason Jessica is graduating. Jess was so depressed from the double whammy of Alice's death, and then Maria, a friend she knew for, like, 6 weeks, saying that she hated Jessica and never wanted to see her again, that Jess stopped attending school after Christmas break and only by Sara bringing her assignments to her did she manage to graduate.

Nick is a huge basketball hero and popular beyond his craziest dreams. Oh - and Polly! Polly is THIN. Hallelujah! The girl is thin. Woooooo!! And, like, depressed and insane, but that doesn't matter because thin people are perfect, don't forget.

So, it's graduation day. Mike returns to school to give the valedictorian speech, and to harass Polly about Clark's whereabouts. Are you serious, Mike? Alice died in, like, October. It's mofo June! Polly doesn't have any info, other than the last time she saw Clark was after the dance and Aunty was dead in the house.

Mike ditches Polly when he spots Jessica (wearing a green skirt and yellow blouse!) and starts stalking her around the courtyard like a "frightened lowlife". He hasn't seen her in months, but he still likes what he sees. Ow ow!!

Oh yeah, Kats is at school too. He's a graduate scholar, except he's not even a student, and he's like 29 years old. I wonder if his parents got him something nice for grad? Bill Skater got a Corvette. Jess and Sara got matching trips to Hawaii. I think I got $100 for graduating. Ohhhhhhhh. My life sucks.

Before the ceremony, Sara picks Russ up from the bus station. He has a weekend pass from juvie to go to graduation. Nick drives to the rehab facility where Maria has been living. After her accident, her family's illegal alien status was discovered and her parents were deported back to El Salvador. Once she is stable, she will be sent back too.

The grad ceremony is underway. Mike gives his smartest-guy-in-school speech and, like, forces everyone in attendance to have a moment of silence for Alice... WHAT?? She went to this school for 3 weeks and she was in grade 9. And, as far as anyone knows, she wanted to die. Why would it ever be appropriate to hold a moment of silence for friggin' Alice? Mike needs to check himself hardcore.

Jessica ends the ceremony by singing "Let It Be", while Kats becomes psychotic with anger for some reason. He wants to turn the grad cruise into a ghost ship. That'll show them. Yeah. That'll show them.

After the ceremony, Mike heads straight to Alice's art teacher/sorta boyfriend/also Polly's former sorta boyfriend Clark's place. He'd been investigating Clark for some time, even paying people from Clark's high school for info. Mike tracks down Clark's address and decides that packing heat (for squares, that's "carrying a gun") is the best idea. Once inside, Mike accidentally reveals the piece ("gun") and Clark stomps the crap outta him.

Shortly before the grad cruise ship is set to leave, Jessica and Sara take a trip to the pharmacy for contraceptives. Sara snagged them some private rooms so they can have some alone time (i.e. virginity losing time) with their guys. Um, I know Jess has been depressed, but what the hell? She wanted to bang Bill Skater, like, two books ago. What gives?? (If you don't remember, I'll tell you what gives... later.)

Before the cruise, Polly visits Alice's grave. Clark unceremoniously shows up at the cemetery with a backpack full of bomb-making supplies and asks Polly to sneak him onto the boat. Polly warns him that Mike will stop him. Clark doesn't think so.

Hey, remember how Sara lost all the student's council money that was supposed to pay for the Homecoming dance? And then she got Bubba to spot her the cash, in exchange for sex. Remember that? Well, apparently the bastard's been holding it over her for the entire school year, and now he tells her that he's gambled all the money she needs to pay for the grad cruise. On a mofo basketball game. So she could end up with no money, and still have to sleep with friggin' gross-out Bubba. Ack!!

Sara tries to spend time with Russ, who she considers to be her boyfriend except he doesn't, like, know it yet. He's totally cool with just ignoring her though. God, the guys in this book! Each and every one = tools.

Once the ship has sailed, lots of people start talking and doing stuff. Maria and Jessica talk, and it's not awesome, but it's not a fiasco either. Maria is more distant than flat-out hateful. Mike starts ditching people left, right, and centre. I think those boots to the head from Clark have affected his attention span. He talks to Nick for, like, 3 lines. He even walks away from Jessica. I think she was in the middle of a sentence. Then he goes to bug Bubba about the night of the party.

Bubba confesses that he and Clair were in one of the bedrooms upstairs and that he got her pregnant that night. Since Clair's abortion, their relationship has gotten stronger. Now Bubba and Clair are planning to get married in Vegas on the weekend. Um, I always thought Clair was competent. My mistake. Also via Bubba: Jess won Homecoming Queen, but Bubba switched it so Clair wouldn't be upset. Ooooh!

In one of the private rooms, Polly and Clark are hanging out. Polly is soaking in the tub wondering why Clark doesn't want to come in and look at her. She depressed because no one likes her even though she lost all that weight. That would be depressing.

Polly cuts her wrist with a razor blade, and that's when Clark decides to peek in. Great timing, guy. He goes nuts and threatens to cuts out her eyeballs and tongue if she ever cuts herself again. He's so pissed that he throws a plugged-in hairdryer into the tub... while Polly's still in there!!! Bzzzz-zzz-zzz-zzz!

All the jocks, plus Bubba and Sara, have been glued to the TV showing the basketball game. Lakers vs. Celtics, a grand 80s rivalry. Bubba had told Sara that he bet on the hometown Lakers. And the Lakers lost. Oh no! Sara drags Bubba outside. She's desperate. She needs money. Gotta have money, yo.

Oh, but Bubba actually bet on the Celtics. That Bubba! Sara can pay for the cruise, what a relief. And now that Bubba and Clair are so committed to each other, Bubba doesn't want to cheat by collecting his fee (ie: blackmail booty call) from Sara. Sara is totally offended that Bubba doesn't want to sleep with her. OMG - so offended! It's the mannish way that she walks, apparently, that did Bubba in.

Now that Sara's off the hook with Bubba, she wants to get wit' Russ Desmond even more. Sara and Jess invite the boys to their rooms with this ridiculous idea to be in the shower when the guys show up. There's no resistin' that. Nosiree. Jess stood in the shower wondering "how long Bill would be". I think she meant minute-wise, but that is an awesome double-entendre. Bill comes in, and promptly rejects all Jessica's advances. Bill = N.I., not interested. He blows up, yelling that he thought she was decent. He promises not to say anything to ruin Jess's reputation.

Russ comes to Sara's room. They talk and find out that they lurve each other, but Russ doesn't want to just use Sara like he has so many other girls, so they don't have sex.

It's 2 AM in partyland, and Mike has hit rock bottom. He plays chess (at a grad party? Laaaaaame! They shoulda played some charades while they were at it!) and only draws. No win. Kats is stalking him everywhere he goes. Bill Skater basically asks him out on a date. And when Mike goes to talk to Jessica, the whole scene seems like Jess and Bill had just been intimate.

Mike is secretly, furiously disappointed. He asks Jess to sign his yearbook, and then tries to get the hell out of there. Jess makes him read her message: "I love you, Michael". Jess tells Mike about what just happened with Bill, and the pieces fall into place: "Oh, God!... I've been trying to seduce a gay!...I am sooo dumb." These two deteriorate with laughter. They friggin' die. Jess and Mike are hysterical, all because Bill Skater is gay. Sorry, "a" gay.

Jess teases Mike about Bill's crush on him. Mike's never kissed a girl before, and he's about to do a lot more than that. Jessica takes him into the shower to wash the blood out of his hair from where Clark injured him earlier. It's very romantic. And... *lights out*

In the meantime, Maria has asked Nick to gather everyone from the party in the hull for a meeting. Mike has the same idea, and has been searching for Polly all over the ship. Polly is recovered from her electrocutioning and is watching Clark set the timer on the explosives. One hour.

Kats is also planning... uh, not mischief. I guess "mass devastation" is more appropriate. He's going to make them pay. They will pay for not hugging him after the grad ceremony. Dammit, Kats is gonna open up a world of hurt on everybody who didn't congratulate him. See, people, this is why Rule #1 of All-Night Grad Party Cruises is "You don't let Kats on your All-Night Grad Party Cruise". And, yeah, Mike and Nick both told him to get his ass into the hull for the meeting, but he's not gonna listen to those jerks. Not until his plans are complete. Wuh haha. Wuh haha. *Hack!*

So, everyone important is at the meeting: Maria, Nick, Sara, Russ, Clair, Bubba, Bill, The Rock, Polly, Jess, and Mike. Mike starts by outlining his theory that Alice did not commit suicide, she was murdered. They recreate the night from everyone's POV, Weekend-style. The gunshot... it came from the backyard, not the upstairs bedroom. Polly says that Clark pushed Alice off the ladder, and she hit her nose and died. Then they covered it up with the fake suicide and gunshots.

Suddenly the boat alarm goes off! The boat is sinking. Polly has a gun and reveals the bomb. No one leaves. Shockingly, Maria stands and tries to disarm Polly. OMG - Maria's been playing possum this whole book? Awesome! Polly tosses Maria aside, then Mike gets the gun away from her.

Kats creeps into the hull, "grinning the full length of his greasy moustache." He lit some smoke bombs so everyone would have to evacuate the ship. Take that, privileged scumbags!

Suddenly, the bomb Polly planted explodes - right in Jessica's face!!

The boat catches real fire and starts filling with water. And if there's one thing I know about Jessica, it's that she can't swim. She is pinned under debris in the boat. The water rises as everyone else escapes. Mike and The Rock stay behind to free her. Jess's arm is broken badly and Mike helps her to safety.

Once they escape, they realize that The Rock is still in there! All the guys want to be a hero and go back for him, and all the girlfriends stomp on that plan in a hurry. Single Bill goes, and as he disappears into the wreckage, the boat tips and sinks.

Polly is in the lifeboat, still going on that Clark pushed Alice offa the ladder, and he buggered the float to punish Jessica for making Polly have the party, and he stole Sara's council money to punish her for making Polly have the party, and he smothered Aunty, and he chopped down the school tree, which Russ got blamed for, but Clark didn't have a specific vendetta against Russ.

Mike has a theory: Yeah, Imaginary Clark did all that shit. Polly and electricity are a bad mix. Polly confesses that she did it all and now she can't live with herself. She happens to have one more bomb, set to go off in 5 minutes. Everyone who wants to live evacuates the area. All but Jess, who stays behind to convince Polly that Alice's death was an accident. She slipped off the ladder. Polly's parents didn't die in that car crash because of anything Polly did. It was an accident too, and there's no need to go all Kats on everyone because of it.

Polly is all good, and tosses the bomb away. And Kats is a hero to everyone above-deck for helping with the lifeboats so quickly. Haha.

The next day we find out that The Rock and Bill are ok. Maria and Nick are joining Bubba and Clair in Vegas to get married themselves so Maria will be able to stay in the country. Mike and Jess are going to go for the trip, and they tease about getting married too. Oy. For some reason, all these teenagers getting married is giving me the creeps. I don't like this ending. I'm going to rewind my brain to when Jessica got blown up... and end the book there in my mind.


So, that's that for Final Friends. So, the covers - who died in The Dance and The Graduation where a chalk outline would be relevant? I would love if the cover of the The Dance showed a chalk outline around ancient Aunty in her deathbed. That's the only way it would be true. And this one would have an outline around Kats's dignity, or something. Except that would be pretty abstract and only we would understand it.

Thursday (yes, this Thursday!) come 'round for The Grave, which one commenter speculated was the worst Christopher Pike book of all time.

Final Friends Book 2: The Dance

The Party had claimed one victim... The Dance would take another.

He searched for a murderer that couldn't exist.

The Dance - Christopher Pike
1988, 226 pages


I wasn't too excited to read this. After the crushing disappointment that was The Party, I didn't think I could handle another dose so soon. WHY did I/everyone else remember this series being so swank? Here's what happened in Book 2:

About 2 months have passed since Alice's death. Mike's devastation hasn't lessened, and he still wants answers. Why was Alice holding the gun in her right hand? She was left handed. Did the mysterious Clark have anything to do with what happened? Blah blah. I'll leave it at that because Mike could easily subject you to, like, 80 pages on it. But I won't even spend another paragraph on it. You wanna know why? BECAUSE THERE ARE TOO FREAKING MANY OTHER CHARACTERS.

Sara still craves the attention of the bastard, Russ Desmond. Mike and Jess haven't spoken since the big blowup they had re: Alice's "suicide". Jess is still chasing Bill Skater. Nick and Maria haven't spoken. He thinks it's because he was held as a suspect in Alice's death, and it is. Maria's parents of course think that Nick killed Alice because he's black. Clair and Bubba are still going together. Bubba - still pervy. Who else??

OMG - Polly! Polly has lost 20 lbs and is a doll once again. Here's the sad thing: Polly eats only carrots and drinks only Coke this entire book. When I was a kid, I thought that sounded awesome if it made you skinny. Friggin' bastard Pike, giving me body image problems/eating disorder tips.

Sara, as school prez, has made some changes to homecoming this year. It will take place at the beginning of basketball season, outdoors in a tent. She takes $3000 from the school account to book food, music and build a float, and we know this can only end in failure.

Sara's newest hobby has been to stalk Russ Desmond at his grocery store workplace, but usually he's not there. Today he is. She follows him into the stockroom freezer, harassing him and being generally annoying. He doesn't respond in a respectful manner, which, as we learned before, is just how Russ operates. No need to take it personal. But Sara does, and locks him in the freezer. She leaves, forgetting her purse filled with 3 large of the school's money in the stockroom, never to be seen again.

Jessica spends time staked out on Mike's street, looking for a way to reconnect with him. He comes out when he recognizes her car, thinking she's meeting another classmate who lives across the street. Jess says she still owes him a movie, and they make a plan to go out.

The mysterious Clark shows up at Polly's for the first time since Alice died. He opens with "You look exotic, Polly, real tender." That's an... odd compliment. Polly tips Clark off that Mike has been looking for info about him. They kiss a little, then Clark leaves out the back just as there's a knock at the front.

It's beat-up Russ Desmond! For some reason, he thinks Polly's would be a good place to stay for a few nights, even though he's pretty much a professional at ignoring her. I get it though - I usually like people better when I'm using them, too.

At school, the homecoming nominees are named. Jessica and Clair were givens. Cindy "The Book Can't Mention Her Without Mentioning Her Tits, So Neither Can I" Fosmeyer is kind of a surprise pick, but the BIG upset is when Jessica's "tiny Hispanic friend", Maria, is also called as a nominee.

The homecoming dance draws closer and Sara is desperate for money to replace what she lost. Bubba has a rep for being a stock market wiz, so she goes to him for a favour. Bubba is a loathsome human being with no redeeming qualities whatsoever and agrees to help Sara in exchange for sex.

Sara is desperate and says OK. OMG - he's not even attractive! Why does no one notice this? He's FAT. You've got to have some standards. Like, risk missing limbs with your local loan shark. But don't have sex with Bubba. Never have sex with Bubba!

Polly's Aunty is bedridden and senile, so she doesn't get in Polly's way in her mission to get laid by Russ. Russ, a track superstar, enjoys running in the rain, like, away from Polly. "The rain and I are old friends." This guy is in high school? That sounds like something that Shaolin priest would say on Kung Fu: The Legend Continues. Polly, totally oblivious that there's nothing going on between her and Russ, makes an appointment at the family planning clinic to get birth control.

While at the clinic, Polly sees a haggard-looking, totally out-of-it Clair coming out of one of the offices. Bubba is there to help her, but I still hate him.

Speaking of preventing pregnancy, and possible abortions, remember Mike's mom? She's pregnant again, and she doesn't care WHAT her boyfriend says, she's keeping her baby. I think Mike preached too much after the last abortion.

It's date night for Mike and Jess... or is it? Sorry, no. Jess spent the day with Bill Skater, and hopes to spend the night with him too. She hopes it will be The Night, the "Get lost, virginity! Yo, beat it!" night. So Jess calls Mike to cancel. Yeah, she wants to try to turn on Bill Skater by LYING to him about how bad her grades are. Jess, you are a tool. I don't understand that in these books... even Rela lied about poor school performance to impress a guy - and she was a friggin' robot!!!!!

Jess compliments Bill on his zipper. Oy - she meant his belt. The longer the better, right? She tries a few more tactics before he gets his keys. Huge fail.

Now let's add some CREEPY to the mix: Clark shows up at Polly's, threatens to rape her, tries to turn her against her friends, and tells her to smother Aunty, then leaves. What the hell is up with this guy? Psychological problems, much?

Friday night, there's a basketball game at the school. Nick and Mike play on the team. Mike and Jess schedule a make-up date for Saturday night, after they take their SAT exams. Jess sits with Polly to watch the game. Polly mentions seeing Clair at the family planning clinic, without thinking of why Clair would be at the family planning clinic, in front of the entire cheerleading squad. Rumours run wild about abortions and people (i.e. Jessica) still think Bill Skater could be the father, even though Clair is pretty public about being with Bubba now.

The next day - SAT day! - Jess takes some No-DOZ caffeine pills to combat her all-nighter study fatigue. OH NO! Those aren't No-DOZ! Those are VALIUM! Now what? Mike manages to slip Jess some answers, while she barely remains conscious during the exam, only finding out later that there were 4 different versions of the test and Jess is a total failure.

Meanwhile, at school, some of the b-ball guys have been practicing. The Rock is alone in the locker room when Nick comes in. Nick wants to know why the hell The Rock still has a beef with him? Does he have a death wish, or what? Rock explains that he's a Big Brother to ghetto children, and he's seen Nick there pushing drugs. This is obvious bullshit, which is proven when Nick takes Rock to the hood and makes him knock on a crackhouse's door. The knock is answered by a Nick doppelganger-in-the-eyes-of-white-people, who of course is Stanley, the crack dealer. Well, that settles that.

A bunch of stuff - nothing good, don't worry - happens leading up to the mofo dance to end all dances. Jess is going with Bill Skater. She realizes that Bill is boring as hell, but his body just won't quit. And she realizes that SHE. LOVES. MIKE. OMG. In the meantime, Mike investigates Clark. Abort this mission, Mike. It's boooooring. And I won't judge you the way you judged your mom, I promise.

Bubba found a way to hack into the autopsy database so Mike can see Alice's report. Clair wants Bubba's technical know-how used for another purpose: to make her Homecoming Queen.

It's creepy-time in Pollyland. Russ moved out, leaving a note for Polly. Clark finds the note, and then lurks in the dark until Polly climbs a ladder. Man, she spends a lot of time on ladders. I haven't been on ladders as much in my whole life as she has been in two books! Clark shoves her violently. He is deranged. He runs ahead of injured Polly to go smother Aunty. But he doesn't do it. What a gem of a guy.

Homecoming night, y'all! There are many, MANY pages of basketball strategy. How does that benefit me/the story? Like, I like Nick and all, but come on! Anyways, Nick free throws to win the game, and his pa showed up to watch him succeed. YAY! Maria's parents admire Nick's athleticism, and allow her to reunite with him! Best night ever!!

Sara is pleased with how the float to carry the nominees turned out. Everything is great, except that she's totally overworked. Last year's Queen can't complete her queenly hand-off duties because she gained weight in college. Because of course she did. And now she can never be seen in public again.

And - OMG - Kats is driving the float! KATS is driving the fucking float. You don't ever let Kats drive your float. There's no precedent for that scenario, but don't do it anyway. It gives me that "bad-idea" vibe.

Everyone packs into the tent for the dance, except Mike. He's still computer-geeking it up, looking through records for Alice's autopsy report. Sara and Russ hit the dancefloor, and, as school president, she can't be seen engaging in any scandalous behavior. She doesn't want to be making out all over Russ in front of the whole school. Russ thinks an appropriate reaction is to say, "If you don't kiss me right now, I'll fondle your breasts in front of everybody." Um, how dare he? He better be joking.

Sara takes off in a hurry to help guide the float into the tent. I warned you about Kats, you guys... actually, nevermind. He pulled it off. I mighta misjudged him.

The nominees are all called to the stage. Clair, Jessica, Maria, and "Dog Face/Fun Bags" Fosmeyer await the decision.

And the homecoming queen is................... MARIA GONZALES!!!

Holy crap, Maria winning the crown is like an episode of Murder, She Wrote where the killer turns out to be a janitor who was only on-screen for 6 seconds.

After the dance, Mike finally gets satisfaction: he has Alice's report up on his CRT. Alice had a broken nose. But how? So, there's Mystery #1 to lead us into Book 3.

After the dance, Sara and Jessica clean up the tent, while Maria celebrates by dreamily wandering around on the float with her crown. She climbs to the upper throne part of the homemade stage, only to have it collapse under her. She falls many feet, breaking through the float floor and landing amid rubble and glass. Sara and Jessica run to Maria, and find her twisted and bloody on the ground. Mystery #2: Did someone tamper with the integrity of the float's construction?

After the dance, Polly arrives home to see Clark leaving her yard on his motorbike. Inside, she finds that Aunty is dead. She is still warm though, sooooo Clark probably just killed her. Mystery #3: What did Clark have to do with the death of Aunty... and why?

Jess, Nick, and Mike wait at the hospital for word about Maria. She has a broken back and will likely be paralyzed. Maria asks to see Jessica. She tells Jess that she never should have sold hope that Maria could be popular. Now look what happened, and it's all Jess's fault. Never speak to Maria again, Jess. Do you hear me?

Maria knows a secret about Nick: that he was running away from the upstairs after Alice was shot. She makes it very clear that if Nick thinks he can sit on his ass and not try to find out who messed with the float to sabotage her - well, that just ain't gonna happen.

Mike leaves the hospital and decides to flip through some yearbooks he'd taken from other local high schools in his search for Clark. He spots the guy in a group shot, but not in the singles section with names. But wait! Under the students who didn't pose heading, there he is: Clark Halley. You will not be able to hide from Mike for much longer. Even though I'm pretty sure you already weren't.

Stay tuned for Final Friends 3: The Graduation

The truth is finally revealed.

At a terrible price....

I'm sure no one can wait. Yeah. So, get this: I had a dream night before last that there was a movie being made of Pike's book Master of Murder. And Emile Hirsch was playing Marvin (the lead). Dunno why I dreamed that, but there it is.

See ya next Thursday!

Final Friends Book 1: The Party

It was their last year of school... Maybe the last year of their lives

They wanted to throw a party....

The Party - Christopher Pike
1988, 212 pages


Before we talk about ANYTHING else: check out that red mullet in the lower right corner. Yeeeow! Hurtin' hairdo alert.

Mesa High has gone out of business, so Tabb High will educate Mesa's students from now on. Friends and former Mesa students Jessica, Sara, and Alice plan to have a party at Alice's place to mix the two schools' students together.

Right off the bat we learn that Alice, age 14, is perfect. She doesn't even perspire, because her blonde curls reflect the sun away. Jessica, 16, and brunette, is apparently ewwwy with sweat. You know, because of her hair.

Jess is a little low self-esteemy and it grates. "She believed, like most teenage girls who don't date much, that there was something wrong with her, something missing." Yeah, Jess. Boys complete you. They're not, like, totally annoying or anything either. And Alice's poor sister Polly... don't even go there. "When thin, Polly was a doll." When fat, she's a fucking obscene monster, I guess.

Alice already has a friend at her new school, Michael Olson. Her secret fantasy is to set up Michael and Jessica. Unfortch, Mike and Jess end up sharing a locker and meet before Alice's dream introduction. Is that, like, bad enough to kill yourself over?

The big names at Tabb are Clair Hilrey, head cheerleader; and her boytoy Bill Skater, who is always, always, always called Bill Skater. Also on the hot list: Russ Desmond, track star; and The Rock, football douchewad. On *my* not list: Michael's BFF Bubba, a 5'4" tubba who is irresistible to girls. God, what gives with the girls at this school? Bubba... I kinda hate him. And Mike too. Seriously. "Michael chuckled at the crude manner in which Bubba referred to Jessica." What immature bastards! Even though the reference wasn't even that bad.

One would think that Mike would have more respect for women because he loves his mom like I love scandalous gossip, soooo - OMG - did you hear about Mike's mom? She got knocked up two years ago and had an abortion, even though Mike begged her not to. Mike dreams about the unborn sibling and imagines that it's Alice/would be Alice/is like Alice. In some way. Not really sure. Don't ask me.

To create additional first-week-of-school drama, Alice and Jess practice bitchery by signing Sara up to run for school president. And she wins! More on that later...

Meanwhile, in the weight room, ghetto transfer student Nick is trying to work out. His blackness irritates some of the jockstraps, so The Rock tries to start something. Uh, bad move. Nick knees The Rock's stones, and no one really wants to mess with him after that.

After, Nick needs a Coke but doesn't have enough change. Instead of running from the big black guy, sweet Maria gives him correct change. Awww.

Moments later, Sara shows up at the same machine to buy a 7-Up. Uh, I call shenanigans. Maybe it's a homemade pop machine. Because Coke and 7-Up don't usually get along. Maybe Nick calls all pop "Coke" as some people apparently do. We'll never know, because Sara's change gets stuck and she tips the machine over. Easy, Rambo.

While fleeing the scene of the pop machine massacre, Sara steps into the path of Russ Desmond, who happens to be running a track race. He takes time to see that she's all right, and it's love at first sight (for Sara). We'll come back to that.

Uh, back to Mike! He works at 7Eleven. Nick comes in and pays for a pop with silver dollars. It's obvious that he's down to his last resort money, so Mike offers him a job cleaning the stockroom. He starts straight away, and everything is awesome until a masked guy enters with a gun. Nick karate kicks the gun into the cereal aisle while Mike plays butterfingers with the till. Nick Irish-whips the guy into a beer pyramid, and that's when shit gets real.

It's Kats, local dropout/reject, here to play a prank on Mike. Kats is "one of those rare people that no one respected." Bwah!

Since Mike and Nick hit it off so well, they go to the football game together. Mike meets Alice's mysterious new boyfriend/art instructor, Clark. Clark is a sad sack combo of a freakin' knob and a skeletized creep. He used to be Polly's beau... well, make-out friend, until he dropped her for Alice.

Bubba takes advantage of Bill Skater being on the playing field to ask out Bill's girlfriend, Clair. He bribes her with non-existent U2 tickets, and she agrees to a date. Mike, having developed a crush on Jessica during their locker meet-ups, talks to her for a while and eventually realizes that Jessica is the girl that Alice has mentioned to him. He's embarrassed that Alice has told Jessica about how Mr. Fantastic he is. Plus, Jess is totally digging Bill Skater.

Polly, being a lardy outcast, takes a walk alone during the game. She comes upon a drunken fiend with a ax chopping the hell out of a schoolyard tree. It's Russ Desmond, track star. I guess his race didn't go so good. He got kicked off the team or something. He thinks Polly is Sara, which is farfetched as hell, because isn't Polly fat or something? I'm never sure, because it's not like it's brought up every time Polly is mentioned or anything. Anyways, Polly decides to take advantage of the mix up and drives Russ home.

Later on, Bubba gives Mike and Nick a pick-up-chicks lesson so they can bag Jessica and Maria. Mike finds Jessica studying her chem book. She's been having problems with the lab lingo, and Mike edited the chem manual, so she asks if he'll tutor her in exchange for her taking him to a movie. Ha, that was easy.

Nick is braver, but not as smooth. Maria is carrying a bag of oranges in the hallway when Nick spots her. She gives him one, and he tries to pull the casual-guy-leaning-against-wall/locker/etc-with-arm-above-girl's-head, but fails miz when the orange IN HIS LEANING HAND is squished and squirts into Maria's eye. That would hurt. She must be really soft spoken, because she didn't even swear. And she actually agrees to a date with this oaf.

It's later again, and in the meantime Sara used her school president gig to get Russ Desmond back on the track team. Now everyone is gathered to watch him race. After the race, Sara and Russ talk. In Russ's mind Sara is Sara, but "Sara" also includes Polly from the night of the football game, and he wants his ax back out of her car trunk.

The whole thing makes no sense to Sara, and he totally doesn't appreciate that Sara got him back onto the team, so she storms away. Russ asks Jessica, who was standing nearby, if Sara's got her period or what. Soooo, ignoring that fact that Russ is a complete bastard, Jess sets him up on a date with Sara. Why she did that, and why he agreed to it... maybe Book 2 will explain.

So, next it's date night. Bubba has his phony U2 concert with Clair, Mike and Jess, Nick and Maria, and Sara and Russ all have dates. Despite all starting the night on their individual ways, the four couples meet in line at the movies.

Some dates have been good. Bubba and Clair really hit it off in the back of his car, even though he lied. Maria confided in Nick that her family are illegal aliens. Mike and Jess bore me. And "The Date That Should Never Have Happened" starring Russ and Sara. He was late, he was disheveled, he was half lit, the only reason he showed up at all was because Jess called to harass him, and now he has no money for movie tickets. Aaaaaaand, to make a terrible night worse, Sara finds out that the reason Russ is being distant/a douche is because he didn't actually want to go out with her!!! Sara runs away crying, and Jessica and Mike cut their night short to drive her home.

After dropping off Sara, Jess tells Mike to take his chem help and shove it. Ok, not really. I wish! She just says she won't be needing him. It's because she doesn't want to take time away from his own studies, but he doesn't know that and ends up all demoralized.

Mike avoids Jess all week before the party. He sees her getting closer to Bill Skater and gives up all hope.

TGI P(arty) N(ight). Polly tries hanging out with Russ, but he doesn't know her, remember? Bubba wants to hang out with Clair, but she doesn't want to be seen with him around her friends. OMG - that is sooooo Breakfast Club. Mike spots Jess and Bill Skater talking and destroys a charades game in anger... just kidding. It was a ping pong table. There are no charades at this party.

Polly and Alice try to keep a close eye on the house. Their parents are dead, so they live with an elderly aunt, who has been sent away for the night. They have a little confrontation upstairs when Polly bugs Alice about where Clark is and Alice says she isn't seeing him anymore, and then leaves in anger without getting the paper cups out of the top of the closet like she was supposed to.

Since there's a ladder handy, Polly changes a burnt out light in one of the bedrooms. Her hands are a little wet and she is electric-charged to the ground. She's a'ight, though. No worries. When Polly goes back downstairs, she finds that the party is getting out of hand.

Ways To Tell The Party Is Out Of Control: A Simple Guide:
#1: Kats is in the house. You don't ever let Kats in your house.
#2: Jessica is looking for a way to lose her virginity to Bill Skater.
#3: Clair is using lines like: "Let's go, big boy... Time to get wet... Time to get down" to get Bill Skater's attention back.
#4: The Rock is ready for Round 2 with Nick.

Ooooh, let's elaborate on that one. A coupla meatheads hold Nick in the pool while The Rock takes Nick's shorts off, leaving him naked, kneeling, in the shallow end. Bubba loves fights, and showing off his wang, so he gives his trunks to Nick so Nick can kill The Rock.

It's a major rumble, with the football team featuring The Rock vs. Nick and possibly Mike, if he doesn't wuss out. Polly's not gonna put up with the nonsense, and tosses chlorine powder into The Rock's eyes.

That kinda kills the party.

Mike and Alice take advantage of the quiet to have a nice conversation about Jessica and stuff. The few people left are in other parts of the house doing different stuff. That's all I can tell you, or else this recap is gonna run to novella length. Anyways, Nick goes upstairs to the can. The atmosphere is eerie. There's a gunshot. The following people gather to find Alice on the floor with a gun in her mouth: Mike, Nick, Maria, Sara, Polly, Jessica, Kats, Bill, Bubba, Clair, and The Rock. And maybe Russ Desmond. He says he was "sleeping" in another room, but seriously, who doesn't hear gunshots and wake up?

Just like in Remember Me, a suicide funeral gets a poor turnout. What's WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!??? Don't you remember Alice is perfect???

The police had held Nick, Russ, The Rock, and Kats. Kats owned the gun Alice (or someone) used. Nick's fingerprints were on it, but he'd snatched it away from Alice when they found the body. The deal is that because of Nick's location when the shot was fired, there's no way anyone else shot Alice unless he or she could walk through walls.

Nick lost his new job, and Maria won't talk to him because of all this. Mike shadows the cop on the case, Lt. Keller. Mike knows Alice wouldn't kill herself, and MUST PROVE IT. He confronts Keller with some new theories, which, in my opinion, need work.

Somehow, Mike is allowed into Alice's house alone and unsupervised to draw a diagram of the rooms in the house and where everyone was when Alice was killed. Jessica shows up to pack some things for Polly, who is sedated in hospital.

Mike is blind with rage at Jessica for saying to the cop that yeah, it did look like a suicide. He knows someone killed Alice. Someone! Another person... or maybe a couple of people... or MAYBE all of them working together!! Haha, how would they pull that off? There's like 76.5 characters in this book. Why couldn't more of them have died NOW, so I don't need to bother with them next book?


See you next week for the middle installment of the Final Friends trilogy, and this weekend I'll be posting some very special blog info, so stay tuned for that. Happy Halloween!!!

Remember Me

They killed her... but she came back.

She did not understand that she was dead.

Remember Me, or "Hangin' With Shari Cooper"
1989, 230 pages

People, Dead
Shari Cooper - killed at a birthday party, wants to know why
Peter Nichols - spirit guide with a secret
The SHADOW - it's coming for you!

People, Living
"Big" Beth Palmone - nickname comes from her large "upper-frontals"
Dan "Spam" Heard - Shari's boyfriend, a-hole
Jo Foulton - occult expert, nicknaming enthusiast
Jeff Nichols - Beth's boyfriend, Jo's crush, and Peter's brother
Jimmy Cooper - Shari's beloved brother
Amanda Parish - Jimmy's girlfriend
Mrs. Parish - Amanda's mother, keeper of the Cooper family home and dark secrets
Mrs. Foulton - Jo's mother, chain smoking nurse, Mrs. Parish's sister
Garrett - alcoholic detective investigating Shari's death

My memory is the pits. I failed to remember anything about Remember Me. Even with the constant reminders every time I've signed into anything online for the last zillion years (you know, that little "Remember me?" checkbox? Ok, I'm bombing. Let's move on.) It's nuts that I forgot it all, because this book has everything (except charades, and you know me: I ain't complainin' about that).

It's jam-packed with séances, chase scenes, and explicit drug use. Secrets of all varieties: regular, dark, and sexy. And more incest than you can shake your brother's jock at, for those people who enjoy that in their YA books. The one thing I did remember was the epilogue, but I'll get to that in about 3000 words. Let's start at the beginning.

Shari Cooper is rich, got a red Ferrari for her most recent birthday, has a boyfriend who she has the option of going all the way with, and is generally happy with herself, her appearance, and her life.

Shari's favourite person in the world is her brother Jimmy. Jimmy's 19 years old, diabetic, and has problematic eyesight that makes him unable to tell the colour of Shari's eyes. (They are bright, sparkling emerald green! And don't you effin' forget it!). Shari shares with us the story of when Jimmy ate too many Christmas cookies and had to spend Christmas in the hospital. Hey, remember the Babysitters Club TV episode where that happens to Stacey?

Shari spends the first bit of the story getting ready for "Big" Beth's birthday bash. And giving us the dirt on her sex life. Which doesn't exist because that one time they tried, Dan was too fast for her. On her way downstairs to leave for Beth's party, she notices that Jimmy is awake in his room. I guess he works really awful shifts and has to sleep at weird times. She goes into his room and tells him to turn off his CRT. I had to look that up, but that's ok. It could be a Jeopardy! question sometime.

So, downstairs Shari finds Mrs. Parish, the housekeeper, and her daughter Amanda in the kitchen. Amanda basically asked her mother to ask Shari to invite her along to this party, even though she hardly knows anyone. Dan comes along to pick up the girls, and - ooooh! - late 80s partying outfits! Shari wears green pants and a yellow blouse, while Dan sports a rust coloured leather coat and white pants. I'll bet he calls them "egg shell".

On the way to the party, the kids pick up Jo. Shari goes into Jo's house where Jo's mother, Mrs. Foulton, is about to leave for work. She's a nurse. She is also Mrs. Parish's sister, making Jo and Amanda cousins. She also hates Mrs. Parish because she had an affair with Mr. Foulton and ruined both of their marriages. She tells Shari to make sure that Jo doesn't take her Ouija board to Beth's party. She must have read Slumber Party recently.

Shari goes upstairs to hurry Jo along. Jo shows her some stories that Jeff Nichols had given her. Jeff's brother Peter, the author of the stories, had died a while ago in a motorcycle crash. The one Jo is currently reading has no ending, but is about a girl who buys a VCR that can tape tomorrow's news today. That one, Pike fans, is called The Eternal Enemy, and I'll tell you all about it in a few weeks.

Jo's got a total Jess Wakefield 'tude about parties. They don't start until she gets there. But Dan drives really fast anyway. Amanda asks if he's always so fast, and Jo bungles the evening by saying something like: "That's what I hear!!!" meaning that Shari had told her about Dan's premature, um, problem. Dan gets really pissy and won't talk to Shari at all once they arrive at the party.

Some of the guests (like, everyone except Shari) had been notified that there would be swimming at the party. Beth's rich-person condo has a pool and hot tub. When everyone else leaves to engage in some watersports, Shari falls asleep on Beth's bed. A while later, Amanda wakes Shari up and tells her that Beth and Dan were naked in the hot tub. Shari's reaction, "Was he fondling her?", is the awesomest.

Jo uses the opportunity of Beth being indisposed in the hot tub to get all up in Jeff's biz. Everyone comes back upstairs, and I'm not sure I understand why, but Shari doesn't confront Dan and Beth. She pretends she knows nothing and carries on with the evening. Jo wants to put people into a trance using magnets and use their bodies as receivers to talk to the universe. Or some equally New Age-y type thing. Beth goes first, and is really spacey when she comes out of it.

Shari is next. Jo tries to make her channel a spirit. Shari plans to fake it, then laugh at anyone who believed it really happened. But she really does get overtaken by a spirit and starts talking as someone else for a few seconds. It seems like it was Peter Nichols, dead brother of Jeff.

She snaps out of it quick, and feels all cold and lonely. She goes out on the balcony alone and suddenly has a sensation of rising, then realizes that she is speeding headfirst to the ground. Shari dies.

Later, she wakes up at home. Her parents ignore her while they take a phone call, wake up Jimmy, and get into the car. They drive to the hospital in silence. Shari is confused and wonders who's sick. The whole family goes to the morgue, where Shari sees her own body and crushed head and realizes that OMG she's dead.

Ghost-Shari leaves the hospital and follows Jimmy to Beth's, where the police are questioning everyone from the party. The cop, Garrett, is major-boozin' it up outta the Palmone family liquor cabinet. Shari watches while Garrett wanders around the apartment and draws the floor layout.

(I took this and that's why it sucks)

When he leaves, she goes to the spot where she'd landed in the parking lot and lays down on the bloodstain. But Shari can't relax. She sees The SHADOW - a cloud-vapour dark, evil thing. She runs and yells for her mother, which allows her to be transported to her mother's room. Mom is in bed crying. Shari tries to hold onto her, and falls asleep.

She wakes up at Amanda's to find Amanda and Mrs. Parish preparing to leave for Shari's funeral. Jo and her mother show up to carpool. Jo is wearing orange pants and an orange blouse. Shari is livid. That's her best friend wearin' that! I went to a rainy day funeral with my gram once and people were wearing random raincoats. Some of them were red. Some were yellow. Some were, like, plaid. Gram went off on a haywire in the car on the way home. She hated everyone who wore non-black/grey colours and prints. It was a cardinal sin for someone to wear a disrespectfully cheerful colour to a funeral service. So I have actually literally heard where Shari is coming from.

She sees her parents and Jimmy up front at the church, but sits with Mrs. Parish in the back. Not a lot of people showed up. There's one guy she doesn't recognize: a young man in white baggy shorts and a red T-shirt. She wonders if it's someone from school who loved her from afar. Haha, sounds like me circa grade 11. Like, sitting in class: "I wonder whose new crush I am today??"

Mrs. P prays quietly with her rosary while the reverend/religious figure does his thing. Shari goes into a trance of religious light until the service ends. Afterwards, she's understandably pissed. Like, no "Stairway to Heaven", no sobbing friends making speeches, and only a handful of people even go to the grave site! She watches her family drop roses onto her casket, then the guy in red and white comes up to her. It's dead guy, Peter Nichols! She hadn't recognized him before!

They have a long conversation about God and the afterlife. Peter encourages Shari to move into the religious light, like when Mrs. P was praying. She only needs to think about it and it will come. Shari got a vibe from the service that everyone thinks she killed herself, and she wants to find out who killed her and clear her name.

Peter admits that he had been at Beth's the night of the party and during the group interrogation, but he doesn't know anything. Shari asks Peter about The SHADOW. He tells her that it imprisons you if you stick around too long after death and it catches you. He agrees to help Shari with her investigation.

Shari suspects Amanda, but it could also have been Dan, Beth, Jo, or Jeff who pushed her. Some of them have motives. It could have been two, three, or even ALL OF THEM WORKING TOGETHER!

Peter tries to teach Shari to transport herself using her mind. She is trying too hard and can't do it. He uses Yoda quotes (for the second book in a row), calls her Shari Poppins, and tries to inspire her with lessons from Peter Pan, Superman, and The Wizard of Oz.

The two ghosts give up on that and take the bus to Dan's house. Dan and Beth are making out, half undressed, on the couch. There's a knock, and Garrett comes in. He starts grilling them about who was where in the apartment when Shari went over the edge. Garrett rips a condom out of Dan's shirt pocket and tells him that if he thinks he's practicing safe sex, he's not even close. What?! Garrett's got a condom problem? What the hell does he recommend using then? I know he's probably old school, but I don't wanna hear "chip bag" or "Coca-Cola douche".

After Garrett leaves, Beth starts crying, and Dan goes to his bedroom where he takes Shari's prom picture out of a drawer and smashes it against the wall. Shari's ok with this. She has to be. She also has to move fast to follow Garrett before she loses him.

Shar and Pete ride in the bed of Garrett's truck to Jeff's house (and Peter's house, when he was alive). Jeff is working on his motorcycle in the driveway when they arrive. Garrett asks him for a beer. Jeff tells him sure, but it's not cold. Garrett is fine with that, saying that he's on duty. Oh, ok. So you can drink on the job as long as you don't enjoy it. Warm beer = non-alcoholic, apparently. Got it.

While Jeff and Garrett are talking, the phone in the garage rings. Jeff answers it and Shari demonstrates a Cool Phone Trick: Dead Person Edition. She simply presses her ear up to the phone/Jeff's head, and of course, he won't notice. Shari hears Jo asking Jeff to attend a 10 PM meeting at her house to talk about Shari.

Garrett soon leaves, and Shari & Peter ride in the back of the truck. He goes downtown to the seedy end of Hollywood, stops at a liquor store, then parks with his binoculars ready. There's a creep in the distance wearing tight black leather pants, an orange Day-Glo T-shirt, and, incomprehensibly, a thin gold chain around his shaved head. I've never seen that sort of get-up before, and it does sound hurtin', but I kinda wanna know what type of chain it is. Box link, curb, rope, singapore? Friggin' figaro? Sixteen inch? Eighteen inch? That could make the difference here.

A girl comes up to the guy and they start making out, causing Garrett to guzzle his whiskey. The chain guy gives the girl a Baggie of white powder and she leaves. Shari recognizes the girl from a picture she saw in Garrett's wallet. It's his daughter!!

For whatever reason, Shari thinks it would be cool to follow the daughter. They get into her apartment, where she is gathering the materials needed to prepare the powder for safe legal tasty human consumption. Syringe, spoon, lighter, tourniquet. Check, check, check, check. It turns out that the girl can see Shari. Peter explains that people in an altered state of consciousness can sometimes see into the spirit world. Shari tells the girl to cut the shit because it's ruining her own/her father's life.

Later that night, they head over to Jo's for the meeting. Jimmy, Amanda, Jeff, Beth, Dan, and Jo are there with the Ouija board. Peter tells Shari that she can manipulate the planchette by sticking her ghost hands into their living hands, but she doesn't wanna do it. Peter reluctantly does it, and starts spelling Shari's name wrong.

He manages to communicate that Peter + Shari are together before he is blocked from moving the pointer. It spells out B-U-R-N-I-N-G and H-E-L-L. Jeff freaks and flips the board, almost knocking over a candle on the table. Are they ever gonna learn??

Jimmy runs from the room, and Shari follows him. The SHADOW shows up and corners her in the cemetery. Her gravestone turns into a mirror and Shari's reflection rewinds back through time and memories to when she was a new baby.

Peter's on the scene and pulls Shari out through the cemetery gates. He wants Shari to go to the light NOW, but she has another plan: to break into Jimmy's dreams and tell him that she's not in hell.

At Shari's house, her parents are leaving for a few days. Amanda will be staying over to keep Jimmy company while they're gone, and she's sleeping in Shari's bed. Shari goes into Jimmy's room at 2:15 AM, and touches him to get into his dreams. She does the same thing to Amanda in the room next door.

She decides to try Dan's dreams next. In Dan's bedroom, she grabs him and is immediately treated to a glimpse of Dan DreamWorld. A naked woman with Shari's face, and Beth's breasts and voice is laying on a circular bed. Actually, I'm not sure if it was circular, maybe I added that myself when I was picturing this. Shari has an outburst, to which DreamDan responds by asking "Marsha" to come back later. Shari asks: "Who's Marsha?"

Dan says it's his cousin from Florida, but they didn't have sex or anything. They only took a shower together. Shari = incredulous. She recovers and asks Dan how she died, which causes her to look all head-splattered to Dan's eyes. She leaves his dream and his house.

Shari also enters Jo's dream, but doesn't get any good information. She's interrupted when Peter calls out for help. The SHADOW is after him!!

Running to help Peter, Shari doesn't see The SHADOW. He tells her that there's a different SHADOW for each person. It's the hardass, self-critiquin', judgemental parts of your soul that get left behind when you go into the light. He doesn't really know what happens if you go into the SHADOW.

Once Peter is all right, Shari goes to Beth's and climbs up to the balcony from which she'd fallen to her death. The SHADOW appears on the bloodstained pavement and encourages Shari to jump. She does.

Her life flashes from birth, to being in the hospital nursery and having her hospital bracelet switched with another baby and being taken back to the wrong mother and living her entire life with fake parents and a fake brother. She sees her entire life until the scene of her death, but not who pushed her. But she knows for sure now that she didn't jump.

Shari wakes up later in the spot where she had died. She remembers some of what The SHADOW had shown her. Peter 'n' Shari head over to Mrs. Parish's in time to see Mrs. Foulton show up. Mrs. Foulton has a couple questions: 1) Does Mrs. Parish know that Amanda is spending the night at Jimmy's? and 2) What is the Catholic punishment for incest?

That's enough for Shari to figure it all out. Amanda is the daughter of the Cooper family. Shari is Mrs. Parish and Mr. Foulton's kid from when they had that affair that time. Mrs. Foulton switched the babies in the hospital just to be evil, I guess. Shari and Jo are half-sisters. Jimmy and Amanda are full brother and sister. But sister better not be full of brother over there at the Cooper's, if ya catch my drift.

There's a knock at the door and it's Garrett. I love how through the whole book it's just "Garrett". No title from the police force, no Detective, no Lieutenant, not even Mr. Like, he's an alcoholic so we needn't show him even a modicum of respect. He sits down with the sisters and drinks coffee, hangs out, shoots the shit, then makes an excuse to go to the can when he really just wants to snoop in Amanda's bedroom. He looks at her sneaker collection and finds a pair with orange dust on the soles. The very same orange dust that would only be on one's footwear if one had pushed Shari from the balcony, then had to climb part of the roof to get to the other door to reenter the apartment without being seen by the people inside.

Garrett wraps up a sneaker and tosses it out the window, so he can pick it up when he leaves. Which he promptly does. Back in his car, he radios for cars to get to the Cooper house to restrain Amanda. Shari uses her dead powers to make herself fly. She needs to get home quick in case Jimmy is in danger (of screwing a blood relation).

At the Cooper's, Amanda is feeding Jimmy diabetic-coma cake. She tells him that she's a virgin, and a diabetic, too. She has this romantic idea of them giving each other insulin shots. Amanda had heard her mother say that she and Jimmy were related, but Amanda believes that "Love knows no reason" and wants to sleep with him anyway.

He tries putting her off, and she gives him a shot of 10X his insulin dosage. Amanda tells Jimmy that she's the one who pushed Shari, then tries to inject him with an empty syringe. Shari begs Peter to go into Amanda and control her so she can't do it. He does for a second, but his SHADOW comes and he has to run. Peter tells Shari that he crossed the centre line on his motorcycle on purpose to commit suicide and that's why he's so afraid of his SHADOW and can't go into the light himself.

Amanda injects Jimmy with the air, and Shari somehow jumps herself into the air in the syringe and gets injected into Jimmy. In a mini-dream-world inside of Jimmy's heart, Shari tells Jimmy that he has to forgive Amanda and pop the balloon, which represents the air bubble in his vein, and not something else, you pervs, and he will live.

Garrett and the police finally arrive to arrest Amanda and get medical help for Jimmy. Shari and Peter confess that they had had feelings for each other when they were alive and make some sort of deal involving kisses. Cute.

So, the sad part is that the Cooper's real daughter killed their fake daughter and is being charged for it. Luckily, they're made of money and decide that Amanda needs the best legal coucil available. She's sentenced to a few years in psych. Poor Mrs. Parish's real daughter is dead, and her fake daughter is a psychotic criminal who now has a rich, real family and will never care about who raised her ever again.

The book ends with Shari & Peter getting into costumes (Shari as an angel, Peter as the devil) and paying a visit to Garrett's daughter. Shari is all goodness and light, trying to make her go straight before the devil gets a hold of her. Peter's devil is incredible. He talks all in rhymes, and that is truly the only bit of this whole book that rang any bells with me. So, they threaten the girl, and maybe that'll do it.

The other end-of-the-book tyin'-up-ends thing is that this entire story, the whole of Remember Me, is something that Shari wrote on Jimmy's computer (CRT) from beyond the grave. However that works.

******NOTES******

This book is a hell of a lot of fun. Even when I don't make any Dead Like Me references. Shari is cool, real (Miss Cleo: "She real."), and not lame or annoying at all. The brother love is a little weird at times. Before we know that Amanda is Jimmy's DNA-mate, Shari is all jealous of their relationship. And that's when we all were being suckered into thinking Jimmy and Shari are bro/sis. So, Pike set it up that no matter who was related to who, it was gonna be a little bit creepy.


Awesome Readers, I have a very special treat for everyone this weekend. Pop Culture Confessions: Music of the 90s (and I can't be more specific than that because it's so treacherous that I might back out at the last minute. I'm gonna have to pre-schedule it to publish, then take a lot of sleeping pills or something just to make sure I don't delete the whole thing) promises to be totally awesome, if your idea of awesome is having so much ammo to make fun of me with that you're gonna have to quit your job just to heckle me like I deserve. So, be back here at Like Pike on Saturday. (Or whenever. I'll still be here.) See you then!

Scavenger Hunt

Pray they don't find what they're looking for....

The hunt was on

Scavenger Hunt - Christopher Pike
1989, 215 pages

Carl Timmons is a “troubled young man”, as described by the back of the book. That's an expression that I will always associate with Home Alone 2 when Buzz messes up Kevin's solo at the Christmas concert, then gives him that phony-ass apology and Kev goes ballistic. Buzz says, "What a troubled young man", and the parents and, like, Uncle Frank totally believe that Buzz is sincere.

So the story is that each year, at Jacob High in Express, California, the senior class holds a scavenger hunt for wicked prizes. This year the winning team get a one week vacation in Hawaii. The hunt is organized by a secret school club lead by the mysterious Mr. Partridge.

It's really messed up, so if you don't wanna read the whole thing, here's how it all ends up:

Cessy and Davey are actually part of an ancient race of dinosaurs that developed intelligence and found a way to gain immortality after surviving the dinosaur holocaust.

Yeah.

And here's how we get to that:

As the end of senior year approaches, it brings with it the one year anniversary of when Carl's BFF Joe Travers died in a freak flood during a hike in the desert. Carl had tried to save Joe, but failed. A few months later, Joe's body was found, skeletal-ized, in the desert by a hunter who almost wound up pissin' on his bones.

Before Joe's death, the closest thing Carl had to a girlfriend was Tracie White. Convolutedly, Tracie was Joe's girlfriend Paula's best friend. Tracie is in mad love with Carl, but doesn't know how to tell him. Especially when they've barely spoken since Joe died.

The night before the scavenger hunt, Tracie calls up Carl to invite him to be on the team with her, Paula, and Paula's little brother Rick. Believe it or not, Carl's not at home. Please leave a message at the beep. Yeah, that's right. Carl's dad is so important that his family had to get an answering machine. It cost $100 and no one else they know has one!

Carl has the best intentions to return Tracie’s call, until the phone rings and it's Cessy Stepford. Cessy is the object of Carl's lust. She wants Carl on her team, and invites him over to watch her skinny-dip. Seconds later, Carl shows up at Cessy’s to find his buddy, Tom Barrett, already there.

Tom used to be a big football star until he suffered a head injury. Now his reaction times suck and his brain functions at about 40%. He doesn't even notice when Cessy gets out of the pool naked, that's how bad off he is. Carl feels bad that people used to like Tom when he was the football guy, but now that he doesn’t play anymore, people don’t even know his name.

Cessy dries off, and the two boys do whatever they do to make themselves presentable, then the three kids head off to school. When they arrive, they meet Cessy’s brother Davey, the student council president, preparing for the scavenger hunt assembly. Cessy and Davey are both totes gorgeous, with black hair and big, dark eyes. But they’re NOT TWINS. They just look the same/are the same age. They aren’t perfect size 6, and don’t wear matching lavalieres, thus cannot be Californian twins.

The mysterious Mr. Partridge lumbers up to the stage, wearing his trademark mirrored sunglasses, and explains the rules of the hunt. Get a clue sheet before you leave; after the first clue, the sheet contains only half-clues: the second half will be found when the teams reach each destination.

Tracie meets up with Carl before he takes off with Cessy and the guys. She is finally able to ask him to be on her hunt team with Paula and Rick. It's a huge step for Paula to agree to have Carl on the team; she had blamed him for Joe’s death. After Joe died, Paula went completely off the rails. She started smoking, getting into trouble, driving around on motorcycles. Good Lord! Imagine the shenanigans! But Carl tells them that he already promised Cessy to be on her team with Tom and Davey. Davey hands out clue sheets to everyone, and the two teams get to work.

Rick is one of those genius-type kids. He’s got Muscular Dystrophy and has been in a wheelchair for a long time. He’s only 15, but is going to graduate with the older kids. He’s got a great personality, and is the kind of guy who would probably be voted “Friend To All” in a 2000s era yearbook. God, kids of the 80s had it so easy at graduation time. "I Will Remember You" and "Graduation (Friends Forever)" didn't exist yet, so grad ceremonies probably didn't even require barfbags.

Rick and Davey compete to get the answer first, and both figure out that first clue leads them to the school track. One the way to the second clue, Davey starts going on about current events. There was a story in the paper recently about an old goldmine not too far away. Back in, like, 1872 four people went down there and found a fortune. It was awesome. But then they got fucking greedy and went back for more.

In the mine the second time, they got trapped. The bodies of two men were the only ones found. The bodies of the young, enterprising couple, Daniel and Claire Stevens, who had originally found the mine and made the deal to split the profits with the other two in exchange for labour, were never found. Davey suggests that Rick research where the mine is, then Davey will look for treasure, and they can split whatever they find. Rick is moderately interested in the prospect. The two groups split up after finding the second clue.

A short time later, they meet up again at the local video rental store. A Yoda quote from The Empire Strikes Back had lead them there; they found their loot and next clue-half behind the video case on the shelf. The next clue is tricky. While everyone works on figuring it out, Cessy and Davey visit the ice cream shop across the street. Tom, Carl, Paula, and Rick decide that some ice cream would really help them think, and send Tracie over to pick up cones and shiz for them.

Tracie steps outside to see Cessy and Davey making out. While licking ice cream cones. In Carl’s truck. She is revolted. It's like fucking a mirror¹. She almost pukes, recovers, then goes to get the ice creams everyone wanted. Except she doesn’t really care anymore and gets choco-shakes for everyone, regardless of what they asked for. Shoddy work, Trace.

Apparently, the shock of what she'd witnessed was good for her brain, because Tracie then realizes that the clue was coming from inside the video rental establishment. It was a line from a classic film (which none of these 1980s bozo schoolkids recognized), and not just any line either. We're talking about #3 on AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movie Quotes list:

"You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am."

The gang seeks out the next clue from behind the On the Waterfront VHS case, decide to split up (again), and move on out. Rick can't resist taking a detour to the library to check out that article Davey had been telling him about. Rick, dude, you are in the middle of a timed event. That is like me trying to take cute pictures of my cat while playing Bejeweled 2. You can't succeed at both endeavors. If you take your eyes offa it, that meter can blow right up in yo' face so fast. Or, more relevantly, other people will get ahead of you in this scavenger hunt and beat your ass.

Rick searches for, but can't find, the article that Davey had mentioned. He checks out the really old local newspaper from the 1870s to see if it says anything about the mine. He finds something interesting, but because Tracie & Paula are obviously anxious to get-the-hell-out-of-the-library-cuz-there-ain't-no-jeezly-clues-here, he doesn't have time to read it. He sticks the 100+ year old paper under himself in the wheelchair and takes off with it.

Paula wants Rick to be able to focus on the hunt, so she shoves the newspaper in the trunk where he can't get it. In the meantime, Carl's team has moved through the next couple of clues quite easily and can't believe the big lead they've maintained. Even with all the time they wasted at the video store, no other teams caught up to them. Well, I guess they can all feel good about their intelligence... or can they?

A clue leads them up the local mountain. Cessy and Carl go alone, on foot. Cessy is full of boundless energy. Cessy is so perfect that she can hike for an hour in a short, white dress with no panties on and still look perfect. She even has time for a non-sibling make out break, which Carl enjoys. After they find their clue, which says "Keep Going", they return to the bottom, where Davey and Tom are waiting. Carl has a strange sensation that he suddenly can't remember how Tom got the way he is: football accident, car accident, or toomuchpot bodystoned.

They proceed up the mountain again, this time in Carl's truck. Carl's truck woulda preferred to stay home. Pieces of crap are flying offa the truck the whole way up the bumpy mountain. The team arrives at a little purple house in the woods. It's boarded up and smells funky. There's black oozy crap on the ground. Suddenly, a purple lizard the size of a large housecat shows up. WTF? Cessy doesn't mind the thing and lets it crawl up her foot, but Davey moves like lightning to crush its skull under his boot.

Carl has that weird feeling again, and so removes his watch and drops it on the ground before getting back in the truck. It's Carl's version of the Inukshuk: "Now the people will know we were here."

A short time later, Tracie and her carload of teammates have also unravelled the path and found the purple cabin. Tracie sees Carl's watch on the ground and wants to know what the deal is. She spills to Rick and Paula that she saw Cessy and Davey kissing outside the ice cream shop. Brother and sister themselves, they are totally grossed out. Rick becomes suspicious of why the hell no other classmates have arrived yet. Like, he's smart and all, but this is gettin' ridiculous. He thinks that Davey switched the clue papers that he gave them to lead them where-the-hell-ever for some twisted purpose that they couldn't begin to guess. Ol' Ricko is on to something.

They debate quitting the scavenger hunt, because Davey's plan obvs isn't gonna include a trip to Hawaii. Tracie wants to check out what's inside the purple cabin, and Rick decides to finish reading the antique newspaper that he horked from the library.

Even though Paula's the one with the criminal record, Tracie wields the crowbar to bust into the cabin. She finds a dirty, dirty residence belonging to someone with really bizarre interests. A collection of newspaper clippings about torture is piled on the kitchen table. A long mirror covers one wall, and on the other side is... A POSTER OF MR. PARTRIDGE!!!!!! In it, he's wearing his gray hiking uniform and SMILING, which Trace has never seen in real life. It's a creepy effect. Not to mention the pic is reflected in the mirror, so you can easily double your creeped-out-edness.

What's weird is that the picture convinces Tracie that this is Mr. Partridge's house. Instead of assuming that this is, like, Mr. Partridge's stalker's house. Or Mr. Partridge's mother's house. I dunno. All this shit points to the fact that Carl is not safe, wherever he is, and if Tracie wants to ever see him again, she's gonna have to keep scavenger hunting.

When she joins the others, Rick catches her up on the article. The highlight was diary entries written by one of the poor bastards who died. Him and his buddy waited in the dark for days for Claire and Daniel to return. Then he either had a dream or really saw Claire return and let his friend drink from her canteen. But it wasn’t water! It was acid that melted his face! Dude is so groded-out that he can only write about it in his diary, and then die.

So, at the same time, Carl has been taken out to the desert with the crazy lot of we-don’t-even-know-whats, and into an old mine passageway, where he is told to start digging. Cessy finds a homeless desert dog, which she decides to keep. Cessy’s a real animal lover. Which is what I always say about Betty White. Futility overtakes Carl, and he refuses to dig any longer. Suddenly, help appears. Or MORE VICTIMS!

The other team shows up. Rick in his wheelchair even made it though the passageway. Davey wants Tracie to help dig up the surprise. She and Carl get to the bottom, and find… a pair of mirrored shades... on Mr. Partridge's face! Davey had told him to bury himself deeper than that! Ok, what? But it’s not Mr. Partridge! Davey peels Partridge's face off to reveal the bone structure and crooked teeth. It’s body of Joe, eyeball-less and disguised. He's been reanimated as Davey's puppet the entire school year!

Rick guesses that Cessy and Davey are actually part of a race of dinosaurs that developed intelligence and a way to gain immortality after surviving the dinosaur holocaust. In the past, they had lived as Claire and Daniel of the 1870s mine scam, and had hid out underground for years until they needed new corpses to maintain their lifespan. And he would be pretty much correct.

Davey tries to convince everyone that the dinosaurs were more advanced than humans, but come on… did they have computers? Did they have space travel? Rick wants to know, seriously. Answer up, Davey. Apparently, the shit the lizard people did was EVEN BETTER than computers. Davey can make up all the explanations he wants. If there were no YA blogs, then yeah, I doubt it was better.

Joe had washed down into Lizard Mine during the flood and made a deal with them. Cessy and Davey got to keep being immortal… and Joe was able to come back to zombie-life as a shell-shocked version of himself… in the form of TOM!!! And get his revenge on Carl, who he believes left him to die the day of the flood. So, Partridge was body of Joe, and Tom was random body with partial mind of Joe.

Take my word, the rest doesn't get any better. Davey tosses Cessy’s dog into an acid pit; the result turns my guts. Then he wants to put Rick in there, too. Kid’s got a disease. I think he’s been through enough. As Davey is going to shove Rick in, Cessy distracts him and breaks Rick’s neck, so he won’t have to die of being submerged in acid. Davey doesn't notice and shoves Rick in, thinking he's still alive.

Davey has one more, bigger, better, and more shocking surprise. He sticks a machete into Carl, who doesn't die, and tells him that he's already dead! But Davey's just having a laugh with our Carl. He's not really dead; the machete was a collapsible prop. I wanna say something here, but I got nothin'.

Carl gets freaked and runs away, leaving Tracy and Paula to fend for themselves. He finds a church with a Mexican, tequila-drinking priest in the confessional. He starts telling the guy everything that I've told you up to this point. Shortly after, everyone else bursts in. Tracie and Paula have their mouths taped, but aren't otherwise hurt or restrained.

Davey pulls the priest out of the booth and garrots him to death. Carl shows his face outta the booth in time to see Davey garrotting the priest. Then Davey makes some kind of threat against Carl's balls with the garrot. Let me tell you what, I read the last 50-ish pages of this book twice on the weekend and once last night... I didn't notice the threat against Carl's, um, manhood until the very last reading:

"Look at you, Carl. You're ready to pee your pants. But imagine this." Davey held up his bloody wire. "Soon you may have nothing to put in those pants."

Huh? Could that mean anything else? I'm confused.

Carl had lit a candle in front of the Virgin Mary statue when he entered the church. Tracie is Catholic and wants to do her own ceremony thing. The lizards know nothing of this God, so Tracie explains that God created everything, even them.

Cessy is intrigued by the ceremony and wants to light a candle and receive a blessing. Tracie notices that Davey is now holding the priest's tequila bottle, and remembers that Davey and Cessy had both seemed scared of fire earlier in the mine tunnel when Paula tried to light a smoke. She formulates a plan.

Cessy's getting a little tired of Davey, having spent millions of years with him, so she uses her powers to amplify Tracie and Paula's abilities, allowing them to soak him with booze and ignite him. Carl puts on the finishing touch, by stabbing Davey in the back with his own machete. His body-thing disappears into the church floor.

There is only one place where Davey can leave Earth and enter his lizard dimension, and be able to return to Earth. And this ain't that place. So Cessy wins.

Tracie takes a moment to explain to Cessy what true love is. Cessy pretty much says that if Tracie and Carl get together and last as a couple, she gonna come back in 50 years still all young and hot and take Carl for a hot tub.

In the epilogue, they travel back to Express, wondering how they're gonna explain what the hell happened to Rick. This shit was weird, and I could totally have misinterpreted/misunderstood, like, the whole thing. Which is sad because this was written for children. So if any Scavenger Hunt experts wanna set my shit straight in comments, do it. Nicely, please.

The best (and basically only) scavenger hunt related movie quote I can think of, I'm gonna tack on down here for your enjoyment:

"...if you had told me we'd be going on a six-hour scavenger hunt for blow I would've passed."
- Andrew Largeman, Garden State

¹ If anyone recogized "It's like fucking a mirror" from The House of Yes, mega props. You and I are probably kindred spirits.

The Tachyon Web

The secret lay beyond the web.

Spring break in the stars

The Tachyon Web
Christopher Pike
1986, 211 pages

This book is a little like LaToya Jackson's music career: no one knows, remembers, or understands anything about it. I'm pretty sure I can say whatever I want and no one will be able to contradict me. There's a little blurb about it all over the web, probably from the Library Journal or something, that says this book was out of print as hell, but was requested by Pikesters for years. Ok, I'll accept that. Well, here goes:


The Tachyon Web refers to a network of satellites used to fence in the known galaxy in the far, far future. Many galaxies are linked and accessible, and earthlings regularly travel in spacecrafts between planets in a matter of minutes.

During spring break, a tradition which has survived 1000s of years into the future, and which global warming has had no effect on so WTF are we all worrying about, five teenagers decide to take a space trip to the Tau-Ceti system.

Strem enlists the help of his friends Sammy the brain and Eric the lackey, as well as his own girlfriend Jeanie, and Sammy's chick Cleo, to "borrow" his uncle's spacecraft, The Excalibur, and head for outer space.

Using their ingenuity, the kids are able to penetrate the web. Outside their own galaxy and off the radar, they run into trouble, natch, when their cooling system fails and the ship overheats. Luckily they come upon a foreign ship, which they attach to, while they devise a plan to sneak aboard and steal some cooling fluid.

Somehow, they find out what the beings aboard the ship look like and plan to disguise their appearances so they can move about without causing any suspicion. Cleo, a punk singer in a band called the Weak Pulverizers, who wears a pink plastic pantsuit with a purple spider pattern, has make-up and contact lenses that she uses in her stage performances, which she uses to give Eric and Strem greenish skin, completely green eyes, and white hair.

Sammy programs an in-ear audio receiver for each of them that will translate the aliens' native language into English and allow them to reply in the alien tongue.

The two boys enter through an airlock, and are quickly swept down a hallway by thousands of Kaulikan citizens moving toward the cafeteria. They observe the aliens, learning that they have similar eating and bathroom habits to humans. In the caf, a beautiful young alien with a broken arm catches Eric's eye. He helps her out with her lunch tray, and then sits with her during the meal period.

Her name is Vani and she works as a tree grower. Her entire world is the ship, since her home planet was destroyed when a nova killed the sun in her galaxy. A small number of people on the planet had been chosen to leave in an outdated and slow moving spaceship to try to find a new planet to inhabit. Eric knows that the Kaulikan ship is too crappy for them to ever make it to the nearest planet, even after many generations of traveling.

Eric convinces Vani to show him and Strem the engine room, so they can scope out the goods. Sammy gives the boys an update through the receiver; he tells them that The Excalibur is set to blow if it gets any hotter. Of course, women haven't changed in the interim millennia, so Jeanie and Cleo are freaking out like little girls.

Eric lures Vani away, while Strem makes plans to taser the workers in the engine room and steal their biz. Eric spends an intimate hour with Vani in the secluded orchard, until he remembers what they're there for and contacts Sammy on the receiver to see what Strem is up to. The two girls had gotten in disguise and boarded the ship to help him take the motor oil.

After falling for Vani, Eric is having second thoughts about stungunning the natives and tries to convince Strem not to do it. It's too late. And now the ship guards have been alerted. Luckily, the guards have no practice doing anything and come unarmed. Strem and the girls still manage to get captured and held hostage. Eric sneaks Vani out of her ship and onto The Excalibur, along with a supply of engine coolant that Vani is able to procure.

First Councillor Rak, the leader of the Kaulikan ship, contacts The Excalibur, saying that the prisoners have to be processed before they can be released. Suddenly, the patrol squad from Earth show up. They had been aware of The Excalibur's location the whole time! The patrolman makes an announcement that Rak is to release any Earth prisoners, or he is going to blow up their mini-guardships.

Rak calls a meeting with Eric and the head patrolman. Eric convinces the patrolman to let him share his technology with Rak and the Kaulikans, so they can have a chance to upgrade their shit and get to a planet before another nova happens and kills the rest of them. The patrolman eventually agrees.

The kicker is that Eric knows too much about the people who live outside the web, and the deal they made to get better technology. This information is highly classified. There is no way that he could ever be trusted with it back on Earth, so he is forced to stay on the Kaulikan ship, an alien there himself, FOREVER.

The rest of the earthling students are released and return to Earth in The Excalibur. At the last minute, Eric is able to have Vani deliver a note to Strem making plans to meet up in the centre of the galaxy during a future spring break.

**************
Les notes:

So, probably none of us read this one as youngsters, but I was curious about it. I'm not a sci-fi novel fan; I tend to skip over made-up words and to skim over the really far-fetched stuff. So I probably missed a bit of the action.

I do like aliens though! My bedroom had an alien theme when I was a young teenager. I have an alien tattoo. Marvin the Martian, "Alien" by Atlanta Rhythm Section, Men in Black. That's my shiz, baby!

Join me this weekend for the second installment of Pop Culture Confessions, which will highlight my dorkiness with even another YA series. And it looks good that next week's post will be Scavenger Hunt. See you then!